I Love You Hate

//I Love You Hate

Love and Hate text concept on white and black dices

Hate: that dreaded word; that dreaded feeling. Something we are told to overcome and rise above; something that is the basest and most destructive of human expressions.

Hate, I hate you. This is where we begin. I hate YOU.

It starts this way, back in time, we are young, we are undefended we are open. AND WE LOVE, and WE LIVE and WE FLOW and we are so alive and one with our own life force. And it happens, once, twice, then again and again. Someone or something meets our life force with a no and it feels like hot searing fire. We can’t defend ourselves, we are burnt, we hurt, we feel smashed out of existence and there it begins. I hate you. I hate YOU. What a relief. I hate you is a relief. It is powerful, it protects us, it makes us feel safe. It is a guardian of the heart it is a lion roaring at the gates of our most vulnerable self. It is a monster that says – you cannot come in and I will not come out. I hate you. I hate you. Oh the sweetness of that relief from the pain. We come to love it, I hate you, and I love to hate you. It feels so good. We are young, we don’t know anything else.

Hate. It is an energy that when understood has the power to lead us right into communion with the world.

Feel it. First the I hate you of your youngest place. Feel it all the way. Feel it to your core. Feel it with help, feel it with an intention to know what lies beneath. Feel it till your throat aches from shouting it, feel it towards the ones who hurt you, feel it till your bones crack and your walls shatter, feel it till it leads you beyond, into the fractured places you couldn’t feel then. Feel it till you fall in a heap and your heart cracks open and you find the wailing, protesting, lost piece of you that was shocked that a part of you so good and so true was not being received. Feel it till you fall broken on the floor and cry the undefended cries of a child. Feel it till you understand that it was only here to keep you alive until this moment when you would finally find the pain that leads you back home. You can feel that now.  You can bear that now. You can know that now.

And then when you have cried all the tears you couldn’t cry then, when you have gathered up the shattered pieces of you heart, look out at the world. Understand THIS all the way. Hate never belonged to anyone but you. It was always there to protect you. It was the locked door. It was the cold wall, the fortress built to save your life.  And once you understand this you can own it- you can claim it, you can bring it back into your body, you can take it back from every enemy and every place you have put it. Gather it up- bring it home. No more I hate you- just I HATE.

Say it, say it- I hate I HATE- this belongs to me – this is a protection. Look out at all the places large and small that you have placed it and bring it HOME. I HATE. Say it until you feel how much it belongs to you. Feel it until you are willing to recognize it for what it is, a cold friend who protects you from life, a demon bully who hasn’t the courage to feel love. Bring it out into the light. I HATE. It is me who hates, and you do not deserve this. It is me who hates and I understand now. It is me who hates and I am willing to drown in the ocean of tears that I would not feel before. I will join with the pain, I will feel the hurt, I will feel the hurt, I will feel the hurt. I HURT.

Join me here, wars can end – I hurt, cruelty can cease – I hurt, torture can stop – I hurt.  And everywhere I see hate I know there is hurt. I will make hate my friend, I will know it deeply, I will not fear it; I will understand it all the way. And then I will use it only for what it truly is – the key to unlock my frozen heart – because I know that it is mine and beyond it lays the kingdom of compassion.

Thank you hate, for keeping me alive.  Thank you hate for leading me home. Thank you hate for opening the door to my most naked place where I hear the cries of the world, where I feel the sorrow of those in pain, where my heart joins the broken heart of this wondrous place we live, where I feel the unbearable beauty of this shattered life. I love you, I love you, I love you.

I love.

-Ann Bradney