Once upon a time I almost died.
It’s long ago and far away, but not really. Life has brought it back to me, again.
Choosing to live was the first time I made a decision from a part of me that I need to remember tonight. I did remember tonight. And remembering brought me home to a guiding force that helps me to keep staying.
I have just witnessed the way that death can take us, almost took me, even when we don’t mean to let it. Death is like that. And remembering that I got the privilege to choose life, and the journey that moment has taken me on helps me make it another day.
I said yes way back then. I had no idea what I was getting into. And saying yes has been something I have done ever since. It sounds so simple, it sounds so cheerful, it is not always that way. It is also heartbreaking, it is also devastating, it is the facing of reality in ways I sometimes wish I didn’t have to.
Yes is a big word. It asks us to agree to something beyond what we can ever know. It asks us to commit to this life with all its pain and difficulty and capriciousness.
Tonight I felt how that yes has guided me. I felt how when I let myself remember, it gives me a connection to something so much bigger than me. It feels holy. Yes is a place that gives me hope. Yes is a place that says, I am willing. Yes reminds me why I am here. Yes tells me to surrender. Yes puts me in my place, right here, all the way down with feet planted on earth. Yes is a place that honors the size of my spirit. And aligning with my spirit is the only way I can hold all this.
There are days I really don’t like life, and yes tells me I don’t have to. Because I am not here to like everything about this place. I am not here to turn away from all that I see. I am not here to get my way. I want to be with it all. I do. I want to be of service in ways that I can only be when that yes is guiding me. My yes brings hardship. My yes brings joy. My yes brings pain. My yes takes me to places I didn’t know I could go. My yes asks me to keep growing. It is my yes. It is my life. It may not be like this for others but it is this way for me.
I am glad I almost died. I am sad that others don’t make it, though my yes does not presume to understand what was happening for them. My yes does not feel superior; my yes feels so fucking humble in the face of what it asks me to be witness to. My yes tells me that I am here to try my best, and that whatever that is it will be enough. My yes tells me that what I am being asked is so beyond me, and my yes reminds me I am human. My yes reminds me that everyone else is human too. My yes tells me that this is my path and I am the only one who can take it. My yes whispers to me ever so gently that everyone else is on their path too. And my yes connects me to all that is huge and awesome and impossibly beautiful about being here.
My yes tells me that life will go on without me one day. My yes reminds me that I am going to lose everything that is dear to me. My yes tells me time is short. My yes says yes to this too.
There are days I have thought about how wonderful it will be to die. And then death comes, and I thank god I have another day. There is more to do. I am not done yet. I am getting older. I know I want to stay. I will do everything I can to stay. No matter what.
Thank you Christian, for being my teacher and bringing me home tonight. I am going to miss you. Travel safely dear one.